my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Do vagina's smell?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
