you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
