the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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