Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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