It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
