I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
