I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
