My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
