Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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