our cab driver is having phone sex.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
