I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
