After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
