Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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