I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
As shirtless as possible
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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