How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
