what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
