It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
