so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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