Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
