I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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