It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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