yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
