Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
