I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
