happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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