I should be sponsored by Trojan
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
