Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
