I'm pants shitting drunk right now
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
