apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize