She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize