i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
