Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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