I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
