I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
