Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
