Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
