My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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