So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
