...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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