I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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