We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
