i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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