To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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