I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
