if i died would you start the facebook group?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
