wanna go halves on a baby?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
