And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
