put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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