listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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