Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
