I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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