I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just want to make out with him forever
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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