yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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