I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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