I looked at my own cervix.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
