Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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