In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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