I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
