Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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