end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
