Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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