You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
