I wish they made helmets for livers.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're like the curious george of whores
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
