Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
