I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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